Holy Tuesday (March 31). I am not

Prepare to Listen.  I am the light of the world.
 
Prayerfully Read John 18:15-27
15Simon Peter and another disciple followed Jesus.  Since that disciple was known to the high priest, he went with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest, 16but Peter was standing outside at the gate.  So the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out, spoke to the woman who guarded the gate, and brought Peter in.  17The woman said to Peter, “You are not also one of this man’s disciples, are you?”  He said, “I am not.”  18Now the slaves and the police had made a charcoal fire because it was cold, and they were standing around it and warming themselves.  Peter also was standing with them and warming himself.  19Then the high priest questioned Jesus about his disciples and about his teaching.  20Jesus answered, “I have spoken openly to the world; I have always taught in synagogues and in the temple, where all the Jews come together. I have said nothing in secret.  21Why do you ask me?  Ask those who heard what I said to them; they know what I said.”  22When he had said this, one of the police standing nearby struck Jesus on the face, saying, “Is that how you answer the high priest?”  23Jesus answered, “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong.  But if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me?”  24Then Annas sent him bound to Caiaphas the high priest.  25Now Simon Peter was standing and warming himself.  They asked him, “You are not also one of his disciples, are you?”  He denied it and said, “I am not.”  26One of the slaves of the high priest, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, asked, “Did I not see you in the garden with him?”  27Again Peter denied it, and at that moment the cock crowed.
 
Prayerfully Wonder
Three times Jesus identified himself with I am.  Three times Peter identified himself with I am not.  Not only did Peter deny his identity as a disciple of Jesus, he also denied his identity, period.  He slipped back into the old Peter, living out of the false self.  He denied his true self, the person Jesus helped him discover and own.
 
Only hours earlier in his prayer, Jesus had described the disciples, including Peter.  They were given to him by the Father; had kept God’s word; alone knew that everything Jesus gave them came from the Father.  These disciples, he said, knew and believed this truth (17:6-8).  But on that dark and frightening night, standing around a charcoal fire with slaves and police, Peter disowned all that.  I am not, he said, three times.
 
Meanwhile, Jesus was inside on trial.  When asked about his teaching, he told his accusers he’d always spoken openly and they could ask those who’d heard him because “they know what I said.”  But outside, the one who knew what he said, denied him and all he said.
 
And then the cock crowed.  Peters is no longer in the scene.  John doesn’t state his reaction to the cock crow.  After the resurrection, around another charcoal fire, Jesus will reinstate him.  Not by asking him whether he is a disciple or not.  But asking the more critical question, three times: Do you love me?
 
Jesus warned Peter that he could not follow where he was going.  Peter defied him and followed.  He got into trouble.  In what ways do you see yourself in Peter?
 
Prayerfully Respond
Lord, help me obey you at all times so that I never say I am not.  Amen.
 
Live obediently.  Be your true self.